Uninternally Consistant.

Alright, posting because I've not in a while and procrastination is fine too.

First exam Thursday for the discrete mathematics course. Second exam like, four days after that for the networks course, and then an exam for programming 2. Conveniently put in the order of most, to least difficult.

Umm. Life is alright.

Gee. I dunno what to say.

Oh, the UK apparently recently passed some motion to criminally punish men who use prostitutes who have been coerced, manipulated or forced into the job, even if they don't know she's been forced, which makes the punters have to do research to know that she's not being pimped, putting the burden of responsibility onto the purchaser. 'Cause punters fuel the demand for the illegal sex trade, trafficking, pimping etc. N'they're the ones with money and power in this situation, as opposed to the group most likely to be exploited. I read through an account of the politicians debating it, and looked around at what activists were saying. Far as I can tell the ISUW (a group comprised alarmingly of pimps in the upper levels, particularly for whats supposed to be a _sex workers union_) will push to get it rejected at higher levels on the basis that strict liability ("I swear I didn't know officer") has so far only applied in cases where the person being punished is the one who is committing the primary offense, when in this case, the pimps are the primary offenders. I'm not one for legal stuff though, and I've not been following the politics for a while, so I'm a bit shakey.

Looks like they're on their way to the Nordish/Swedish model though, which is, imo, the best. Prostitution better be decriminalized, and there needs to be a strong focus in the NGOs part for providing exit services though...

Anyway. I guess the point of the above block of text is that activists who I agree with, are getting things done. Real things! Which is a huge step towards less exploitation and rape. (Demand for trafficked women drops as johns are criminalized, etc.)

It makes me want a little glass of champagne.

In the past week or two I've been told: "You're intelligent, clever like", "You're smart as", "You're clever, you should be able to handle the AI courses easily", "Your writing is intelligent, clear, collected and still real, like there's a person behind it.", "You're smarter than me, and you get better grades,they're not the same thing, you're a moral fucking paragon, and you can drink me under the table, what is this shit? Stop emasculating me!"

I've also realised I have a very real possibility to be able to do some sort of research in applied deception detection in IT over the holidays using the summer scholarship program.

And... and...

My grades are average, everyone seems to think they'd be higher than they are because I know things and I can answer questions and hold my own in conversations, but I waste so much time being moody, anxious and/or drunk. N'when I'm not so down or anxious that I can't study effectively, I'm unmotivated and lazy.

N'its frustrating. These feelings that I'm stupid, so constant and heavy. Its only recently that I've started actually internalizing to at least some degree that I'm not thoroughly stupid. All these people, including really clever people, who know me well. They wouldn't keep calling me smart all the time if I was as stupid as I tell myself I am, right?

*sigh*

Well, I'm going to either sleep, or keep programming.

I like programming when it goes well, like it has been tonight. Being logical and applying problem solving techniques, and they _work._

*sigh*

That was my favorite picture of myself from the meet, I suppose because it was so natural and I'm not posing. I can't remember when it was taken, or what ainead was showing me, but I look engaged, interested and some happy. I like it! Also you can see the parasol, thats cool.

Suze told me I should write on livejournal more often. I get this feeling if I wrote here, I'd keep generating all these angsty emo posts though, not sure I like that.

For example, while I'm feeling decent today, I spent a fair amount of yesterday, and the night before that, well, crying.

See, I've been a little emotional lately, it happens. It was a good friends engagement party on Saturday, started as a BBQ in a park at 10:30am where we migrated to the pub and I don't know what time I got home, because I was a little trashed. ((I'm not drinking this month excluding for parties, btw.))

As the night wore on, it became apparent that a certain dudely friend of mine was _not okay._ He was real unhappy. I asked him how he was, he said fine. I assured him that if he wasn't fine, that was okay, not being fine is allowed y'know, and he started crying and told me that he was _not_ fine, and it was fair sad.

Then on Sunday I went to the loli meetup and I had a nice time catching up with people, it was really quite lovely, but on the way home Steph started crying and I talked her through it some.

That sets the scene a little. I have my own whack emotional issues, and then two days in a row I had mates breaking down in front of me (which I repeat, is okay. If mates need to break down, I won't judge and will do what I can to help. Its just that I dunno, transference issues lol?) so, I was already in a little emotional. N'then that night Cav and I had a chat.

This Saturday coming, we'll have been dating 10 months. He's never said he loves me, which I've been cool with because you shouldn't say that sort of thing unless you mean it. We had a chat and basically he told me it was weird because while at some points in the relationship he's felt a little romantic affection, for the most part on his end there's been nothing like that. He said he cares about me, and we have shared interests, a similar sense of humor, called me attractive and intelligent, said he likes learning from me, but that he doesn't love me. N'that he still sort of hopes that romantic feelings will come up.

N'I did the undashing thing and started crying. I apologized some, said that I've been emotional lately. Went through spurts of trying to get it together, and then little crying stages again. I asked what it meant, and he said it _didn't_ mean we can't continue to have a caring relationship.

Next morning we were chatting. I was trying to put on a neutral face, I'm not very goo at hiding or falsifying my expressions, and Cav is very good at reading faces. (Like. Very good.) at one point he noted it. "You look neutral. Well, no actually. You look sad."

I smiled "Yeah, sorry. Was reading more about NVC and psych stuff, I do know sad women are terribly unattractive." Cav listed several other unattractive traits, not all of which I have, but some of them I do. Swearing, intelligence. Then he was like "Well, no, intelligence is good if you don't take it too far, and witty is very attractive. Playing video games is attractive too, but only if you don't take it too far again. I guess, I guess shared interests are attractive, but only if you're not being a man about them." and I put on a little defeated look, and he looked apologetic.

N'he went off to study, and I cried more. 'Cause like. Well. In the four year relationship I had with Matt, there only would have been a few months, a maximum of a year where he was willing to say he loved me. So, I was sitting there feeling... unlovable. There's probably mommy and daddy issues too. (Spelled the American way because I'm making fun of myself.)Like, I get complemented. Dudes seem to think I'm admirable, I get respect, albeit grudging respect at times. N'don't get me wrong, I like admiration and respect, but... I like love!

Meh. So. I feel all raw and human like.

I've spent about an hour alternating between pacing up and down my street, going in my house, sitting down for a minute, feeling feelings, getting up and pacing up and down the street again. I'm supposed to be at uni, but I decided at some point last night that it wasn't happening since study for my math course is a better use of time.

I've not studied for my math course, I have paced up and down the street for about an hour with small periods of staying inside. I think I'm actually still dong it, but this is one of the inside moments.

Frenetic movements, facial expressions changing rapidly, fists clenching and unclenching.

A guy doing his gardening put his gardening things down and looked at me, I was tempted to spit out something like "Yes I _am_ crazy, go about your business."

Went to lolita meetup. Tired, left early. Decided "I'm on the train that will get me to Cavs station, while I'm on the train, maybe I should call him and see if he'd like to have me over for a bit?" He did, so I went to his place, then I tried to socialize with him and fell asleep on his couch. I woke up, went to his room, and fell asleep on his bed for several hours. I'd intended to go home, but I'm still here.

When I got here he hugged me and then said "You smell like lolita."

I was like "What? Lolita doesn't have a smell."

"You smell the way you do, when you're in lolita."

"I... I think... I think thats hairspray..."

:)

I got bored and decided rather than study I decided to photoshop a picture of myself into an icon. I've been on livejournal for two years now and have as many icons. It is my default icon now, as it is happier and I'd like to encourage some happy.

I like photoshopping myself... There was this episode of pokemon once where Ash and that joined up with Team Rocket for some reason and they went through James's belongings and he had all of these photos of himself. James put on this cute ashamed thing and said "I like looking at pictures of myself in my spare time." Its that. :)

Might make an entry about uni soon. P'raps.

Tired as fuck, I so doubt I'll make the meet tomorrow and that'll be the millionth one Ive missed. (Oh the powers of exaggeration!) *sigh* Bleh. I might be moving to Brisbane soon, if so, I'll go to loli meets more often. I can never sleep the night before a meet, I don't know why, its right terrible and I just feel fucked.

Blaaaaah.

I have recently developed something of an obsession for "lie to me" and related materials. I've spent the last few days pouring through reading materials, went through eckmans blogs on the show and his newsletter (Eckman being the RL researcher that Lightman is based on.) and the blog of an IRL natural. (They call them "Truth Wizards") The naturals blog is cool, she takes videos of celebrities and such, and gives her opinion on whether or not they're lying, then when the truth comes out she notes that she was right.

Cav has an interest in this sort of stuff as well, which is cool because it means I have someone I can talk with about it. He's way better at it than I am, like, if he's paying attention in test scenarios he can see micro-expressions and he's generally good at reading body language etc. I suppose he's doing psychology and he pays attention to people.

I don't think I want to learn it proper because I'd just see shit that'd depress me, but at the same time I'm considering buying Eckmans books and training CDs.

Before I was in the lolita community I was really bad at fake smiling for photos. When lolita-ing I learned some method acting, but I didn't realise it was called that. I'd think about things that cause me genuine happiness (often Cav, lol.) Anyway, I went through old photos from before I learned t'do that.

So many fear smiles! I are afraid? I've seen candid shots of me that end up looking scared too. I want to look less scared. I suppose that means I have to _be_ less scared. Ahahaha.

Ho.

Ads by google has given me an advertisement about some human rights group, and an advertisement for a goth store that sells steampunk things.

They're onto me!

Still, the advertisement on the right of this page is a sexy lady you can chat with thing, so, they don't have me down yet.
 

I am drunk on so much rageahol right now.

I was the only glassie rostered on at work tonight. It was state of fucking origin. I work at a fucking football club. There were hundreds of people there, it was packed, like shoulder to shoulder. Also after the game they held a search for a model contest which I found pretty fuckin' degrading. Especially when I heard one dude shouting in the general direction of the stage about how one of the women clearly had fake breasts. Like, fucker, you're participating in a pretty patriarchal event wherein the soley female contestants are judged entirely on their appearance and they're doing it for your pleasure and entertainment. N'you're surprised, nay, offended that they would artificially enhance said appearance? The makeup was fake too y'know, but I'm pretty fucking sure you'd complain if she went without it. Can't win for losing.

Copy pasted from the description I gave of my general state while working, to friends in an MSN conversation:

My entire being was split into three general categories. The first part was me trying to be as optimal and efficient as possible. Like, I didn't have the mathematic abilities or data to pull off running dijkstra's algorithm, but generally I was making active choices to be efficient as fucking possible in the shitstorm.

The second part was making sure if I had to push someone out of my way to get somewhere I was pushing the most confident looking large football dudes possible. The type who like to own the space they're in with the sense of entitlement so wide they think that they don't deserve to be moved, someone weaker should give up their space instead.

The third part was showing incandescent rage regarding the fact that management is thoroughly _abusing_ my tendency to do the first part in shitstorms. Because if they're going to abuse me like this, I shouldn't have to act like I'm _happy_ about it.

The context of that last bit: I feel bad if I do badly at something I'm being paid to do, it makes me feel like a failed human or some shit. Part of being good at my job means acting pleasant and social. I'm bad at both of those things, but I certainly try. Not tonight though. If I had to list the most taking thing about my job it'd be the having to act pleasant at all times, being hit on, or perhaps a combination of those two points: Having to act pleasant towards folk who are hitting on me. (I mean, a lot of them are entitled arseholes about it. N'drunk.) I rank these things as worse than cleaning the vomit in the tiny contained toilet cubicles, with the sort of smell you imagine vomit would have in a confined space.

I dropped the nice act tonight.

'Cause seriously? Fuck it.

I just bought a newspaper based in the cover story. I might write a more in depth version of what I want to say about this in my feminist blog, but raw unformed thoughts go here.

The article says that since prostitution has been legalised in Sydney, illegal streetwalking, illegal unsafe venues, trafficking and sex slavery have increased. I could have told them that would happen, being as that is what always happens. Demand for prostitution increases since the Johns feel entitled and know they aren't breaking the law. When deman in a place increase, thats when the trafficked slave girls get sent there. Legal venues cost the girls more money to work in, since the legal venues have higher running costs to maintain the testing of ze girls, implement the safety measures, and otherwise make sure the place is legal. While some women in prostitution are making good enough dough this isn't a problem, a lot aren't making great money and can't really afford the increased pay cuts, or feel the illegal place is worth the risk for the extra money.

Like. When I write my proper article I'll reference proper academic sources, but seriously, this shit isn't hard. I feel like legislators don't research these things as this ain't hard to look up, and I wonder if pimps and ze minority of prostitutes in good situations and such were the ones lobbying for legalisation since they get so much benefit out of the whole shebang.

BLAH. Swedish model ftw. (Though that has its issues too, I feel its not as bad as other available alternatives.)

I think I may have a fangirlish crush on Spock as a character. I mean the version in the movie, the one who was filled with emotion, more like an extremely repressed man trying to ignore the feelin's n'cloak everything in logic. Eee.

I have a presentation at three in the afternoon where I need to give a six minute long presentation arguing that machines will never replicate human intelligence. Notes are only allowed to be small bullet points. After this six minutes, someone who had to argue that machines _will_ replicate human intelligence will ask me a bunch of directed questions so that they can try and prove their own point. I'll have to answer these on the spot, as I can only guess what they'll ask me.

Eek. I can now run through the mathematic proof that the halting problem is non-computable off the top of my head. Thats... not really very interesting at all.

Wish me luck?

If you like alice in wonderland, trippyness and techno music, this might just be for you: http://www.yooouuutuuube.com/v/?rows=18&cols=18&id=pAwR6w2TgxY&startZoom=1

Long time since I'v made a post. I'm at Cavs. A buch of things have happened since my last post, but that was a long time ago, so they would, wouldn't they? University is going well enough so far, there have been some BATSHIT events going on at my house. I want to move out.

I'm watching that Marie Antointte movie, the one with Ms. Dunst in it. I've not seen it before now. So far its very pretty.

Bleh. Not much to say.

A friend told me recently that I was an alcoholic. I disputed this. He said "You're an alco Annie. I don't love you less for it. But you're a fucking alco." Others have said this to me too since then. But they strike me as so _straight_ as such. N'I don't think they're correct. But I fear they might be.

Damn.

((This is a personal expression of opinion/thought, as thats what I use online journals for. It is _not_ a cry for attention or help. Odd advice or similar won't help methinks. Also: I think I'm fine.))

Blah. My floral Anna House dress s'one of my favourites. It got ruined in the wash just now. Pink inkstains on the floral pattern. Cue wailing attack. I wore that one all the time everywhere because it was just so easy to put on, it could be dressed up or down, had a simple elegance. N'now... Blah.

*Very frowny face*

I'm going to put on some ncer clothes, prepare a backpack and head to Cavs. I'll stay the night, then he's having birthday celebrations at his dads house tomorrow and a little drinking party after seeing his dad. (Cav has made a little agreement with himself that he will no drink in front of his underage little brother, so while he could have some drinks at his dads, he's not going to and is separating that par-tay bit.)

Thinking of cosplaying for Supanova next year. Somone suggested I go as aber from Fate Stay Night. I don't knnow the character, but I looked up the outfit and I love it. Body/hair wise I can pull it off too. Now to watch the series and see if I like the character. If I do then I'll shat I can do about costume makery.

I feel sick. I think I cought a stomach bug from a guest who was over at Cavs while I was. Also I'm disheartened about various things. Guess thats normal though?. I have university work to do. A fair bit by next week. I ought to get started on some shit today but I doubt I will.

Blah. I started the semester really hyped about uni, but m getting progressively unhyped. I'll be right, I'll be right.